December 22, 2016
If I keep posting at the rate I do, I should be on a roll with at least one per year. But one of the goals I’ve been thinking about working on during 2017 is just putting it out there and letting it sit wherever or however it is or will be. See, I’ve grown so much more cautious, guarded and private with my personal life, not that I’ve ever been much of a sharer. I’ve taken some hits: death of a parent and the ensuing mess of an estate, death of a beloved uncle, trying to deal or not deal with a sibling with undiagnosed mental illness and all of the life brakes that just happen. All of these things have left me numb, heart pounding and on the precipice of utter shut down. I know we’ve all been there at some point in all of our lives. Re-reading some of my other posts and returning to the gym at Black Box Acting today reminded me that living a full, enriched and open life is not easy, but it is so much more worth it than holing yourself away. I honestly haven’t submitted for many auditions in the past calendar year due to all of the things and namely having a hip replaced. Yep, got a new member of my body. Its name is Johnson.
But for real, really real, real. This past year and some, I’ve felt stalled and paralyzed so much so that it has become the norm. I’ve felt so out of my depth, intimidated and utterly powerless. Recent social and political issues on top of everything else have had me spinning, frightened, mute and still. All of that showed up at a recent audition that I was blessed to be invited to. I was ready when I walked into that room, but my execution was feeble at best. After it was over I had to reassess what I’m doing, why I’m doing and where do I go from that awful, oh so common feeling, of failure.
Today, I knew I was going to be with an open community. Among people who had at the least some of the same shared experiences and that I could be, just be. I was going home. It opened me up a little, gave me the opportunity to not feel so bad about the last year and some, gave me the option to feel, just feel and not judge it before it could get out of me, remember that I have a voice and it is strong and clear. And those feelings were so positive, until it was over. I honestly felt a sense of loss that that was it. Instead of stewing in that though, I’ve decided to write and share it, cause I know that I’m not the only one who’s ever felt those feelings. Now it is time for my fallow period to end. Hopefully, I’ll be better at articulating and being more present, because it is now time to sow and see what grows. Thanks to all of the peeps who’ve called on me to participate and dig around a bit, you just don’t know how much it has meant.