January 14, 2015
This has been the question asked so many times over my life. Right now, at this moment, and for the last few days, the best answer is connection. On the Meyers-Briggs personality test, I was ranked INFJ (introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging), twice. I took a test back in college in one of my psych classes and I was more extroverted. I’ll get more into that later. But basically, I don’t do chit-chat very well. After I get through the stock introduction and questions, unless I am really on that moment, I clam up.
Being able to look someone in the eye and connect is a special, sacred place for me. Being able to wordlessly communicate, sit in silence with someone and have that silence filled is like a cold drink of water on a hot day. Acting allows me to connect, get past the bullshit and live fully. It isn’t easy. It takes work. I often wish I could be that person who doesn’t internalize everything, all of the time. Isn’t connection what everyone craves? Isn’t it what we are all looking for? I mean, look at all the dating websites, social media and meet-up groups. We’re all looking to connect, to be alive with someone—even for a moment. But I like to connect in a more intense, deeper way.
Yes. It is crazy that I get that fix, that connection, by pursuing an actors life. Cause there is so much mis-connection, rejection and at times painful humiliation involved. Not to mention the auditions that go south, where no connection is made except for the knowing you just missed that one. But I feel my own humanity, its beauty, its ugly, its inspiration…when that spark of connection allows me to take flight. It is a way of living like no other.
So, if I audition with you, or for you, and I get a little squirrely, sorry ‘bout that. Just know that when we meet again, I might just surprise you and myself.